Rainbow Dash Becomes A Boy
It was a sunny day in Ponyland when Rainbow Dash set out on her mission. She hovered above the land and looked down at all the ponies.
“I have no choice,” she said, “I will become a boy. It is the only way.”
Rainbow Dash took one last look at her home of Ponyland; she saw all of the ponies looked so small like ants below.
So Rainbow Dash flew into the sky as fast as he wings would fly and she came to move at such super speed that she broke the barriers between realities and entered a new world where she would find those who could help her become a boy.
Rainbow Dash emerged from the dimensional vortex in a room with a boy and two girls. The boy had a camera and the brunette girl was there and the blonde girl.
“Cool,” said Rainbow Dash, “are you guys filming a porno?”
“No we’re trying to make a live web show,” said the boy, “who the hell are you?”
“I’m Rainbow Dash and I need your help. I have obviously come to the right place. You are the iCarly kids and you must help me become a boy.”
“Aren’t you already a boy?” said Freddie. His name is Freddie right? Well from now on in this story his name is Freddy whether it really is or not.
“Fuck you” said Rainbow Dash.
“Wow that talking pony is rude,” said Carly’s blonde friend. What the hell is her name? Who cares? For the rest of this story she shall be Carly’s blonde friend.
“I don’t think we can help you become a boy,” said Carly, “but you are a cute pony with wings that talks.”
“Fuck you,” said Rainbow Dash, “You will help me become a boy, you must.”
“How the hell are we supposed to help you become a boy?” asked Freddy.
“You will find a way,” said Rainbow Dash, “I must become a boy, FOR LOVE.”
“For love?” asked Carly with interest. She was moved by love.
“The only way for me to be with my one true love is to become a boy,” said Rainbow Dash on the verge of tears.
The ICarly kids were so moved by Rainbow Dash’s words that they too were overcome with emotion and began to shed tears of sympathy.
“Yes we will help you Rainbow Dash,” said Carly as the tears flowed down her face.
“Stop crying you weenies,” said Rainbow Dash who had controlled her emotions at the last moment. “We can’t have crying on this mission. It will be very dangerous. We must control our emotions. But thank you for helping me.”
“Okay cool,” said Freddy “but first we have to finish filming ICarly.”
“Fuck you and your web show,” said Rainbow Dash, “We have to leave right now. Besides who even watches this crap, everything you do is stupid. At least you have a hot girl on this show, that’s probably the only reason you’re still on.”
“Hey you can’t say that I’m hot that’s perverted,” said Carly.
“Actually I think its okay because we’re all 18 in real life now,” said Carly’s blonde friend.
“Yeah so it’s about time for you start posing in skin magazines and doing nude scenes in movies,” said Rainbow Dash, “or are you afraid that Disney will invoke the morality clause in your contract and fire you.”
“Our show is on Nickelodeon not Disney,” said Freddy.
“What the difference?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Well for one Disney makes a lot more money,” said Freddy, “but then again on Nickelodeon we can get away with a lot more sexual innuendo.”
“That’s what I like to hear, now get out of the way so I can touch Carly’s boobs.” said Rainbow Dash.
“You are a pervert,” said Carly, “and you are not a boy.”
Rainbow Dash was taken aback, “how can you be so rude Carly? I came her because you are the only people in the universe who can somehow help me become a boy so I can be with my one true love and its not Pinkie Pie, I hate Pinkie Pie. Now are you going to help me or not.”
Carly apologized, “I’m sorry Rainbow Dash. I know I’m 18 in real life but on the show we exist in an ill defined timeline where we are always underage high school students.”
“It’s okay Carly you can still help me become a boy.”
“Oh yeah,” said Freddy and Carly’s blonde friend in agreement.
Is her name Sam or Sammy or something? No Sammy was the chick from Days of Our Lives. Yeah her name will be Sam now that is correct.
Rainbow Dash got ready to fly on, “okay everyone hop on my back and we will fly to another dimension and continue my quest to become a boy.”
Freddy Sam and Carly all jumped on Rainbow Dash’s back and the pony flapped her wings and they went into the air and zoomed so fast that they tore through time and space into another dimension.
They hit the ground with a thud.
“Ouch” said the ICarly kids.
“How did I crash?” said Rainbow Dash.
Then they looked up and they saw Optimus Prime.
“Hi kids,” said Optimus Prime, “welcome to this dimension.”
“What’s wrong with your CG?” asked Rainbow Dash, “I mean the animation and graphics are not bad they just seem to be at least ten years out of date.”
“This is Transformers Prime,” said Optimus Prime, “but I know what you mean, our movie made a billion fucking dollars and they barely gave us a computer animation budget for this show. And why the hell do they keep updating and redoing all of the shows every two or three years. Have you seen what they are doing with Batman? What the hell is up with that? And the Legion show was on for what like a year before they replaced it with Young Justice, you know they are going to cancel young justice and come up with something completely different in like six months right? Why? Because they are assholes and they hate our children and they are trying to destroy their attention spans.”
“Yeah,” said Carly’s blonde friend named Sam, “it is all part of the capitalist oligarchy conspiracy. They do the same thing on our show. They are constantly subtly sexualizing Carly and the rest of us while at the same time having us behave in a childlike fashion to promote the earlier and earlier sexualization of children but at the same time they heavily vilify pedophiles in the media so that people will be afraid of becoming pedophiles and drive them deeper into the pseudo religious capitalist mentality that they love to manipulate.”
Sam looked around at the faces of the people around her. They were all staring at her with their mouths gaping open.
“Fuck you guys,” said Sam, “the capitalist conspiracy is real and you are all in its grip.”
“Listen do you guys want to come back to the Autobot base or what?” asked Optimus Prime.
“We do.” said Rainbow Dash.
At the Autobot base Rainbow Dash explained that she wanted to become a boy to be with her one true love and the Autobots were also moved to almost tears but they decided not to cry because they are robots.
“I’m not sure what we can do to help you become a boy but we will try our best,” said Optimus Prime.
“Why don’t you just have a sex change operation?” asked Freddy and Rainbow Dash slapped him across the face so hard he fell to the ground. Carly quickly rushed to his side.
“Why did you slap my boyfriend?” asked Carly.
“Am I your boyfriend on the show?” asked Freddy. I was never really clear on that. What is the deal with those two anyway?
“I will never have a sex change operation,” said Rainbow Dash as she hovered over them in rage. “I will be pure in my transformation to a boy.”
She turned to the Autobots and said, “I need your help. Use energon to turn me into a boy.”
“How the hell is energon supposed to turn you into a boy?” asked Optimus Prime.
“Bring me a cube of energon and I will chew on it,” demanded Rainbow Dash.
“That’s really not safe,” said an Autobot.
“Fuck you,” said Rainbow Dash, “I will chew on a block of energon and I will become a boy.”
Just then one of the walls of the Autobot base exploded and Megatron came stomping in followed by his army of robot dogs.
“Where the fuck did you get robot dogs?” said Optimus Prime in anger.
“I ordered them from a catalogue,” said Megatron as he laughed maniacally. Then the iCarly kids caught his eye. Megatron swooped down with his hand and caught all three of the iCarly kids at once. “These little humans are just what I need to complete my experiments.” said Megatron before he flew away.
“Fuck you Megatron,” said Rainbow Dash, “I will hunt you down and reclaim my iCarly kids. They are mine you hear me. MINE.”
Elsewhere in a secret lab, Megatron prepared to experiment on the iCarly kids. He had striped them all naked and bound them with their hands behind their back and their feet so they could not get away.
“You can’t do this,” said Carly, “we’re only kids we can’t be naked in this story.”
“Oh shut up,” said Megatron, “You’re all 18 in real life. I can do whatever I like to you. And I will. I am eager to begin my sexual dark energon experiments. I can already use dark energon to make zombie robots but now I wish to explore the sexual applications of dark energon. I have prepared special dark energon rods and I shall touch your naked bodies with them.”
Carly looked away and tried not to cry. Freddy looked and tried to stay strong for Carly and to endure what was coming. Sam looked Megatron in the eye and said, “You’re an asshole megatron. Why aren’t you dead?”
“I’m only dead in the movies not in the transformers prime universe,” said Megatron, “and apparently I worship Unicron or some shit like that. By the way did anybody else think there was something wrong with the way I died in the movie? I mean did you see what happened. In the second movie Optimus Prime tore the Fallen’s fucking face off. I get it was in the heat of battle and all but still he ripped off his robot face and revealed his robot skull underneath and it killed him. And when he killed me and Sentinel Prime in the last movie I mean we were both defeated and helpless and Optimus Prime just fucking executed us. Didn’t anybody else find that a little disturbing?”
“Megatron I won’t let you touch me friends,” said Sam.
“And how will you stop me?”
“You can have me. Do whatever you want with my body but don’t touch Carly and Freddy?”
“I don’t know I’m not really into blondes.”
“Oh come on I’m a willing test subject. Doesn’t that make your balls tingle or something?”
“Despite what you may have heard from devastator transformers do not have balls,” said Megatron, “god I fucking hate Michael Bay.”
“You and me both,” said Sam, “you know the movies he makes are all about devaluing human life and reinforcing stereotypes that promote social inequality.”
“Yeah assholes like him are on of the biggest tools of the capitalist oligarchy conspiracy,” said Megatron, “the conservatives are always talking about how liberal Hollywood is but when it comes down to it they both bow to the same corporate masters.”
“Megatron agrees with me, see the conspiracy is real,” said Sam excited.
Just then Rainbow Dash smashed a hole in the wall and came face to face with Megatron who had a dark energon rod in his hand.
“I have come to free my friends,” said Rainbow Dash, “you will not molest the iCarly kids who are not really kids anymore but nickelodeon will keep pretending they are as long as their show still makes money.”
“You will never stop me flying pony,” said Megatron, “and you will never be a boy. You will be alone forever.”
“Shut the fuck up,” said Rainbow Dash, “you’re a robot, you don’t have a soul.”
“Fuck you I have a spark,” said Megatron, “it’s like a soul for robots. God you are really rude you know that.”
“Your words will not move me Megatron. I now know your true motives. I know what you have done. I know the dark forces you are in league with.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” asked Megatron getting confused.
“You are in league with my nemesis, CONFUCIUS!!!”
For a moment everyone was stunned.
“Wait a minute, did you say Confucius?” asked Megatron.
“Yes Confucius is my nemesis,” replied Rainbow Dash.
“Confucius is you nemesis?” asked Megatron, “as in The Confucius, the famous ancient Chinese philosopher. He is your nemesis and you think I’m in league with him?”
“Yes,” said Rainbow Dash unmoved in her resolve.
Megatron blinked for a moment then turned to the iCarly kids and asked, “Is this pony high or something? I mean seriously, is she on some kind of mind altering drugs?”
“I don’t know but if she is I need to take a hit of whatever she is smoking,” said Sam.
“Rainbow Dash save us,” Carly called out.
“He wants to test the sexual applications of dark energon on us,” said Freddy.
“Don’t worry my friends,” said Rainbow Dash, “Megatron will not touch your naked young bodies. The only sexual testing will be the testing you do to each other.”
The iCarly kids smiled happily knowing they would soon be rescued.
“I was planning on saving my sexual horse testing for later,” said Megatron, “but I will make an exception for you Rainbow Dash. We will see how the dark energon affects your deranged pony mind.”
Rainbow Dash and Megatron were both poised for battle ready to strike. Then the Autobots walked in through the hole in the wall.
Optimus Prime said, “We are here. We will fight with you to bring and end to Megatron once and for all.”
Rainbow Dash was filled with anger when she turned to the Autobots and shouted, “I told you to wait outside.”
Optimus Prime stood his ground but the other Autobots quickly scrambled away in fear.
“Listen Rainbow Dash I get it you want to take down Megatron by yourself but you should not be doing this alone,” said Optimus Prime, “Now would you please… OH MY GOD, are those teenagers naked? What the hell is wrong with you Megatron? I knew you were an asshole but come on, this is a new low for you.”
“Oh fuck off prime,” said Megatron, “you’ve just been brainwashed by the capitalist plutocracy like everyone else.”
“What the fuck is he talking about?” asked Optimus Prime.
Before anyone else could say anything someone kicked in the door. Suddenly Sam and Dean Winchester came charging in with shotguns in hand ready to fight.
“What are the guys from Supernatural doing here?” asked Optimus Prime.
“It’s probably some shit going on with the angels again,” said Rainbow Dash, “god I am so sick of that story line. If they were going to force the show to stay on the air the least they could have done is come up with a consistent story line instead of all the random crap they’re been throwing around.”
Sam and Dean Winchester began firing their shotguns at Megatron. He was so distracted that he dropped the dark energon rod and it shattered.
“No,” said Megatron, “my dark energon rod has been shattered. I’m going to kill you guys. And by the way your show sucks.”
“Don’t listen to Megatron,” said Rainbow Dash, “he’s just mad that your show always kills off the hot chicks.”
Rainbow Dash then rushed forward. She head-butted Sam and Dean Winchester so hard that she sent them back to their own dimension. Then she turned around and took a flying leap at Megatron. Rainbow Dash kicked Megatron in the eyes with her hooves.
“Ow god damn it my eyes,” said Megatron as he fell to the ground and writhed in pain.
Rainbow Dash hovered above him and said, “Megatron is defeated. Now quickly untie the ICarly kids. You guys look damn fine when you are naked, you should try it more often.”
“Will you stop saying things like that,” said Carly, “it’s really not appropriate.”
“Aren’t you guys all 18 in real life?” said Optimus Prime, “what’s the big deal?”
Carly was infuriated and said, “Just because I’m 18 that doesn’t mean its okay to strip me naked and tie me up and make lewd comments about it. I’m not asking for everyone to stop thinking of me sexually, I know that’s impossible and unrealistic but at the very least you could keep it to yourself and not parade it around like its something to be proud of. Doesn’t anybody have any common decency or taste anymore?”
“Yeah fuck all you perverts,” said Rainbow Dash, “the world will never accept you so you should just blend in and pretend to be normal.”
“You can’t do that,” said Sam, “that’s exactly what the capitalist conspiracy wants you to do? Shame is one of their favorite tools to control the population and all the repressed sexual tension will just turn them into rapists or serial killers or Fox News correspondents.”
Optimus Prime stepped in to save the day, “okay we get it, you should not make lewd comments to young women about how much you like their breasts and naked bodies but at the same time you can’t just pretend that sexual urges don’t exist. In all things you have to find balance. Everyone can benefit from a little porn in their lives but it is a private matter and if you want to discuss it you should do it in an acceptable setting with people who will not be judgmental of you.”
“I think our work here is done,” said Rainbow Dash triumphantly.
Carly looked around and said, “I don’t know what Megatron did with our clothes. What are we supposed to do?”
Optimus Prime scratched his head and said, “We don’t have any clothes so I guess you will have to wait. Being naked is not so bad. We Autobots are always naked. We don’t have genitalia.”
Optimus Prime turned into a truck and invited the iCarly kids to ride in the back. They were still naked. Rainbow Dash joined them. They enjoyed the ride back to the Autobot base. Back in the Decepticon base Megatron was still in a world of pain and vowed to someday take revenge upon Rainbow Dash.
On the way back to the Autobot base the iCarly kids sat next to each other naked and Rainbow Dash was nearby watching from the window.
“You must be cold Carly,” said Freddy, “would you like me to keep you warm?”
“Oh thank you Freddy,” said Carly.
“So what’s the deal with you guys?” asked Rainbow Dash, “are you guys like dating or something on the show? I never understood that.”
Freddy answered, “its one of those things where I’m in love with Carly but she just wants to be friends but I stick around anyway in the hope that someday she will love me back but she keeps dating other guys, you know cliché crap like that.”
“God I hate that kind of bullshit,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Yeah it gets old really fast,” said Freddy, “I’m hoping Carly will go through a slutty phase at some point so I can slip in and get some action.”
“I’m sitting right here,” said Carly, “I can hear everything you say.”
“So let me get this straight,” said Rainbow Dash, “you are in love with Carly and Carly knows that you are in love with her so she strings you along so you will keep filming and editing her web show. Wow Carly that is a really shitty thing to do to another person.”
“I kind of agree,” said Carly, “but hey it pays the bills.”
“I think you and Freddie should fuck,” said Rainbow Dash.
Freddy and Carly looked at each other.
“What do you say Carly?” Freddy asked, “I’m ready if you are.”
“Well we are both 18 in real life now,” said Carly, “but can we really do it like this? With Sam and Rainbow Dash watching and while we are riding in Optimus Prime?”
“Don’t mind me,” said Sam, “I’ve seen it all before and besides it really is about time you paid Freddie back for being such a cock-tease to him for so many years.”
“I disagree,” said Optimus Prime, “If you are going to have sex it should be because you want to, not as repayment for years of cock-blocking, no girl is ever obligated to have sex with any boy. As for doing it while you are riding in me feel free to go ahead with it. Lots of people have fucked inside me before. Wow that sounds really weird when I say it like that. The point is I don’t mind it. There is actually an interesting story behind that. I should tell it to you guys sometime.”
“Get on with the fucking,” shouted Rainbow Dash.
“Okay I’m ready now Freddy,” said Carly.
And so for the rest of the trip Carly and Freddy had sex while Sam and Rainbow Dash watched and Optimus Prime just listened because he had to keep his eyes on the road.
Back at the Autobot base Optimus Prime said, “Thank you Freddy and Carly for not making a big mess while you were having sex. The last time I let humans have sex inside me they used way too much lube and it left a big mess.”
All of the other Autobots stared at Optimus Prime speechless.
“Oh fuck you guys,” said Optimus Prime, “Like none of you have ever had humans fucking inside you before.”
The other Autobots were still speechless.
“Don’t you guys have work to do somewhere,” said Optimus Prime. He was really getting pissed off now.
“Can we get some clothes now?” asked Carly.
“I will return you to your own dimension,” said Rainbow Dash.
“But Rainbow Dash you are still a girl,” said Carly, “we still need to help you become a boy.”
“You already have,” said Rainbow Dash with a smile.
Rainbow Dash rose above the ground and was surrounded by light. When the light faded Rainbow Dash had become a boy. As a boy Rainbow Dash had male pony genitals and bigger more defined muscles.
“Look upon me all of you,” said Rainbow Dash in his new manly voice, “I am a boy now. I have attained powers beyond your comprehension.”
“How the fuck did that happen?” said Optimus Prime totally confused.
“This story has gone on long enough and we are stuck for an ending,” said Rainbow Dash.
“You did it Rainbow Dash,” said the iCarly kids.
“It never would have been possible without you,” said Rainbow Dash.
Then suddenly Rainbow Dash spit. The spit moved with such speed and power it tore a hole in the fabric of reality and opened a gateway back to the iCarly universe.
“Return to your home now and get some clothes on,” said Rainbow Dash, “you have earned your reward.”
The iCarly kids went back to their own world. Before the gateway closed they could all be heard yelling, “Down with the capitalist plutocracy!”
Optimus Prime looked at Rainbow Dash and asked, “Did you just turn the iCarly kids into communists?”
“No I would say they are probably leaning more towards anarchy,” said Rainbow Dash, “well I must return to Ponyland to be with my one true love.”
“I thought the place you are from was called Equestria,” said Optimus Prime.
“Fuck you,” said Rainbow Dash, “I am from Ponyland and don’t you forget it. And by the way keep an eye out for Confucius you never know when he will show his face again.”
Rainbow Dash zoomed off back to her own universe.
“Maybe that pony was high,” said Optimus Prime, “or maybe I am high? I don’t remember taking a lot of drugs today.”
Back in Ponyland Fluttershy was attending her garden when Rainbow Dash came swooping down.
“Look at me Fluttershy,” said Rainbow Dash, “I have become a boy so I can be with you my one true love.”
“I’m your one true love,” said Fluttershy amazed, “Do you really mean it?”
“Yes,” said Rainbow Dash, “Twilight Sparkle and Rarity are lesbians, Pinkie Pie is an annoying bitch and Applejack just sucks. You are the only one I could ever truly love Fluttershy. Now come with me so I can make sweet love to you.”
“Oh I can’t wait,” said Fluttershy.
And so Rainbow Dash made sweet pony love to Fluttershy and they had many pony children. Then one day Fluttershy began to wonder how it was possible for them to have children.
“How is it possible for us to have so many pony children?” said Fluttershy, “I don’t think that’s how sex changes work.”
“It wasn’t just a sex change,” said Rainbow Dash, “It was the power of love. Now come here so I can make more sweet pony love with you.”
“Oh yes Rainbow Dash,” said Fluttershy.
And they all lived happily ever after.
The end motherfucker.
